I sat up tonight thinking. I watched Grey's Anatomy
so I could distract myself. But I sat up tonight thinking and I ate chocolate and had a glass of wine. All I wanted to do was forget about you. And you too. And prevent myself from doing anything stupid around the one person who has remotely gravitated towards being my friend here.
You first. You treated me like crap even though you knew I liked you. You treated me like I was nothing. And if you think you didn't, then you should think about what ignoring a person will do to you. And it has been almost two years and I can't forget. I wish you would leave me alone. And I finally feel like it is going away. And God doesn't even seem to be telling me to be friends with you anymore. I finally see why so many people told me I could do better than you. But I'm sad that it's true. I wish you were a better person, at least to me. Then we could be friends.
And you. What is with ignoring me? Is it some special thing I have written on my head? "Ignore her." When I more or less expose myself (figuratively) to you, you could try to be kind. You could try and be nice. It doesn't make me feel better that you know everything that is going on with me. It doesn't make me feel better that you read my blog and get to hear about me all the time. I am an adult. I can take it. And all I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you went and spoiled it and made me feel all bad about myself - and that isn't fair. So I don't feel bad about myself anymore. If you came running to me I wouldn't take you. But I do want to be your friend. I do want to keep in touch. I want to hear about your life. The truth isn't going to hurt me - I already know the worst of it and I can imagine the rest. I am a good girl. I don't want anything that isn't yours to give or mine to take. All I want is your friendship. Why can't I have that?
So I had a glass of wine. It made me sleepy, which naturally makes me think about things more. I don't know why this always happens. At first they weren't available because I wasn't their type. Then it was because they weren't emotionally mature enough. Then it was because they just weren't available. I don't know if I want to know what comes next.
I want to make a friend and then just keep them. I want to make a friend and then be able to tell them the truth and have them be adult enough to handle it. I am so tired of being the "grown-up." I am exhausted from the stress of trying to understand why no one understands me. Because the truth is, there are people out there who get me. Or at least seem to get me. But they can't handle me. They don't know how to deal with the awkwardness. It lasts for five minutes, but they can't take it. I thought when I grew up it would be easier, that they would get smarter, nicer, more accepting, more mature. I was wrong.
Now, to make things more complicated, I keep thinking about what I really want. To do the job I want to do I have to be able to dedicate myself to my work all day long everyday. I can't do that if someone else is depending on me, needing me, trying to share their life with me. So maybe this is God's way of keeping me from hurting myself and someone else by getting involved in something I won't be ready or able to do.
But I still don't see why you won't be my friend. Explain it to me, and I won't ever ask again. Tell me why it is weird for you to be friends with me when it was me who threw myself out on the chopping block. I picked myself up and walked away. But I keep looking back. I don't think I'll be able to stop until I understand. Please help me. Love always, ~Heather