Yankee through and through

29% Dixie. You are a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

As it turns out, I am more northern than most. This does not bother me one bit. I should note however that centipede or millipede (the appropriate response to the last question) is not available.

Mars vs. Venus

So my cousin Ian sent this. (Two in one day!) I feel like if I was ever in a relationship like this (which I am not, and probably never will be) this would be true. And even if it wasn't true, it would still be pretty funny.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is alldear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

Alright girls. Shall we adjust our tactics???

President Bush, First Lady Laura, and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

I would like to say, in deference to our absolutely fabulous service men and women who transport the President and other officers that I appreciate that even if these thoughts have passed through your mind, that you absolutely love your country enough to not do it. Better yet, I am pretty sure you would never think those things - because you are seriously the best of the best.

The 90's

Thanks to Ian for the post on this one. Got this off of a MySpace Bulletin. Finally, I feel like part of that cool crowd. You know, the ones where there used to be all these forwards about what was cool in the 80's and you knew it but it wasn't the best thing ever? These things (sadly an awful lot of television shows) were the best things ever.

Anybody under the age of 15 should not read this, and if you should, you should not repost this. Just because you were born in '92 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the nineties just wont cut it.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!" You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air" You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House" You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. You remember reading "Goosebumps" You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off" You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. You danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.) You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not... Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show. Captain Planet. You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together. To the last sentence you said.....hey...Tommy was the green* ranger!!!! *later to be white When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being tommy. You remember when super nintendo's became popular. You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders" "I've fallen and I can't get up" You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates Two words... Trapper Keeper. You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide You wore socks over leggings scrunched down

"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell" You played and or collected "Pogs" You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff! All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.) You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out. You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes. You remember a time before the WB. You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" ... enough said You thought Brain woud finally take over the world You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!" You remember when everyone went slinky crazy. You remember when razor scooters were cool. when we were younger: Before the MySpace frenzy. Before the Internet & text messaging. Before Sidekicks & iPods. Before MIKE JONES Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX. Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night. WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. When 2Pac and Biggie where alive. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back. Tag. Get Over Here!!!! means something to you. Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk. Red Light, Green Light. Heads Up 7 Up. Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on. Hopskotch. Slip-n-Slides.... now there are just ghetto ones Tree Houses. Hula Hoops. HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!! "POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS. The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies. Running through the sprinklers. That "Little Mermaid" Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King. Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car. Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car. Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It" CAPRI SUN Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter. Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats. The original Power Rangers Or what about: The Secret Life of Alex Mac. Ren & Stimpy. Double Dare. Family Double Dare. Rocco's Modern Life. AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS. Wild & Crazy Kids. Clarissa Explains it All. CAMP NOWHERE salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA) Are You Afraid of the Dark? The original cast members of All That. Kenan & Kel. "CITY GUYS"...ROLLW/ THE CITY GUYS DOUG! magic school bus. Nick Arcade. flash forward. the adventures of pete and pete. legends of the hidden temple. hey dude. dinosaurs. Mummies Alive pinky and the brain. Sailor Moon. blossom. hangin with mr. copper. wishbone. bill-nye the science guy! MR RODGERS!!!! Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy. Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years. or nick jr. with face gulah gulah island little bear Busy Town under the unbrella tree PEE-WEE'S MOTHER F***ING PLAYHOUSE!!! The Big Comfy Couch Kool-Aid was the drink of choice. Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school. Class field trips. When Christmas was the most exciting time of year. When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle. When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday. When Toys R Us overuled the mall. Go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!' 'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'. It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery. Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better. Where the best form of protection was "circle circle dot dot now I've got my cootie shot, circle circle square square now I've got it everywhere" It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair. When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever. When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear who would have thought youd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

Long neck

In The Land Before Time we learn all about the long-neck dinosaur, the triceratops, the T-rex, and a few other notable species like the teradactal. Ever since the revelation that the Brontosaurus wasn't real, I have been a little skeptical about new dinosaur finds. But here is one, that looks strange, yet credible. (Then again, isn't anything coming from a palentologist instead of me going to seem credible?)

Singing Hobbits?

You know I love musicals. This one being three and a half hours shouldn't stop me from seeing it. But you really have to wonder ... 23 million and five years, and they are leaving it up to some singing Hobbits? Break a leg! (not literally, but saying good luck could give them bad luck. Freakish superstitious theater folk!)

Baseball Fever

Gotta love this. And you guys thought you had sports fever.

Hypocrisy in Action

In deference to my previous remarks about Taking on Democracy, I would now like to highlight Hypocrisy in Action. I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican. I consider myself to be moderate - veering towards conservative on issues of small government and towards liberal on social policy (a contradiction in itself). However complicated my political mindset, there is no comparison to the idiotic tendencies of the people in the White House Communications Office who have not all quit their jobs. Seriously, they should never let the man have a podium.

Example: Quotation from the President of a country that has a majority of the nuclear weapons in existence today: "if the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon, they could blackmail the world; if the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon, they could proliferate."

Hi! Welcome to the real world! Why do we have the right, France has the right, Russia has the right ... lots of places have nuclear weapons ... why do we have the right, and not them? I understand that our governments are more predictable, restrained, and less likely to revolution. However, I don't think we have the right to get upset because other countries want to create nuclear weapons. Every country has the right to do what they want. Even if we don't like it. Unless they join a union or agreement or something. Then they are obliged to follow it. Until then, we need not invade them because we are scared of their inconsistency. Nothing works to spark peoples' desire to blow other people up like being invaded. Idiocy.

So here he goes, instigating using military resources (practical considering our forces our overdrawn at the moment):
"The threat from Iran is, of course, their stated objective to destroy our strong ally Israel," he said in a speech to the City Club of Cleveland.
"That's a threat, a serious threat. It's a threat to world peace... I made it clear, I'll make it clear again, that we will use military might to protect our ally, Israel."
Bush also stressed the desire for a united message on Iran from the Security Council "in order to say loud and clear to the Iranians this is unacceptable behavior".

If to make something clear you have to repeat yourself, using the same word three times, you either have no back up vocabulary, you are an idiot, or your point stands no chance of being clear. Stop while you are ahead; meaning just don't talk.

Read the rest of his poorly worded comments in the link above. Feel free to comment on it yourself. I guess in this case I am less politically opposed to what he is saying then to the fact that I am an oratorical snob and cannot handle poor public speakers - especially on a national and international stage.

If you read the full transcript, you get comments on stuff from home too. My favorite so far is:

"I'm going to continue to work with Congress to restrain federal spending."

Yeah dork, do that while building the infastructure of another country and paying the military forces hazardous duty pay to be there. Good plan.

"Now I'd be glad to take any questions you have, starting with the AP person."

Could we try learning their name?

"...by the way, other than Mr. Allawi -- who I know, by the way; like. He's a good fellow."

Add 'jolly' and we've got, like, a valley girl birthday song, by the way.

"Iraq would become a place of instability, a place from which the enemy can plot, plan and attack."

Yeah, 'cause they aren't doing that now. And when do you stop the learning curve by the way - if you say we can't leave too early. Isn't there a point where the teacher is done and the student becomes responsible for their own progress?

"I believe that my job is to go out and explain to the people what's on my mind. That's why I'm having this press conference, see? I'm telling you what's on my mind. "

Wow. Profound.

"That's the job of the president. The job of the president is not to worry about the short-term attitudes. The job of the president is to confront big issues and to bring them to the front and to say to people: Let's work together to get it solved."

Delete the second sentence and you have got a clear, conscise, actually qualifiable statement.