Abundance of Spare Time
In my abundance of spare time today I have procrastinated, worked, and done things of moderate to very little consequence. I spent an enormous amount of time updating my other blog and am now infiltrating this space with things that don't belong here because I feel that they are probably safer here. Alot less people read this, and a real die-hard would probably find it anyway.
I am waiting. I am still waiting. I cannot open an email without waiting. I know I shouldn't, and that the moment I stop waiting it will happen. What was I expecting? What am I expecting? A different person I guess. The person who I saw the whole time is the real person. The other side, the side that braved itself in one minute venture, the side that popped out for a small moment and made me feel so big and important ... it is gone. It has moved into hiding never to be seen again in the light of day. Not that the light of day would matter - it's gone now anyway.
People do strange things in the end, don't they? And graduation, as you know is also called commencement. It is a beginning. So why does the end of something so often seem different from the ordinary - why couldn't this next beginning include a little of the end?
I'm not proud of myself. I am happy that I was myself. I am thrilled I did my own thing. I am sorry that I misjudged. And tonight, for the second time in the same day, someone (the same someone, mind you) told me not to be myself. Asked me to change myself. Well I don't want to. I don't like to. It isn't my kind of thing to change the world like that. I don't change the world by minimizing the things that are important to me and changing myself to suit the needs of others. I could never do that. It isn't me. It isn't my personality. Why can't people understand that? What makes me such a tough nut to crack?
I'm honest. My changes are small, minimal, and often inperceptible to those around me; yet they always seem to come as a shock. Why can't people figure me out? I like to pretend I am complicated, deep, an enigma - but I'm not. If you ask any but two questions you are going to get a straight and direct answer (and probably some sort of accompanying story, a trait I have inherited from my mother). And I am not looking for Prine Charming to show up tomorrow, but what IS this crap? I think there are nuns who have had more boyfriends than I have.
I don't know if this is what is really bothering me or if it something else. I don't think anyone could really answer that question. I know I have alot on my plate right now and I feel powerless to do anything about the plate at all. Instead of picking something up and eating it (ie actually doing something) I have been pushing the food around on my plate trying to make it look as if I HAD eaten something. That is crap. It's a lie, and no one deserves that.
I need motion and responsibility. I need a challenge. I want to feel passionate about something again. I am tired of constantly being disappointed. I wanted him. Dommage. Even as a friend. Tant pis. I wanted an internship or a fellowship. Not good enough or qualified enough. I wanted people to call on my birthday. I wanted people to want to listen when I talked about France. Everyone asks if I had a good time but could care less about what I did or what happened. They are asking because they have to; like when you pass someone you know on the street and ask "How are you?" even though everyone just says "Fine" or "Good" and keeps going. It is the obligatory question. The formal response. You could be having the worst day of your life and are so conditioned you'd say good. I bet you you would.
My mother is asleep with the TV on downstairs. She is wasting I cannot tell you how much electricity and will become angry with me if I send her upstairs, I am sure. But she has to go to work tomorrow, so I think I should wake her. But she is an adult right? Why is this vacation so hard? Isn't vacation supposed to be fun and relaxing. I have nothing to do this summer so I can spend time with my family. They went out tonight and forgot to ask the host if I could come. No big deal. But when we are all here we watch TV. I have watched more television in the past few days than I think I watched in three months before that. When I came back I thought it meant the end of lonely nights. I thought I would fit in and be normal again. But dammit, I was never normal to begin with.
I never fit in. Not in the past, not in the present, probably not in the future. I am sure I would hate it if I was normal and won't ever wish for it, because I know that'll be the one wish that comes true and I won't ever get to come back to being me, but the grass is always greener. Maybe I can create my own type of normal. Maybe I can become the epitome of what is a cool normal. People will fit in with me. Maybe that is why I crave being in a couple, because a significant other brings normalcy, consistency, a foot in the door to fitting in with the group. Why am I trying to fit in when I was born to stand out? I'm not trying to be egocentric, but if you've ever seen my hair - I don't think that was an accident.
I could ramble about this forever. Today was a stressful day of the worst kind - because I did nothing, the stress doesn't melt away, it just stays. I hope Garrison coming tomorrow will make me feel a little better. I really hope it does. For now though I am going to go to bed. And I am going to wake up Mom first so she can go up to bed too. I will survive this. It is summer vacation. Everyone loves this. Except me. Gosh am I weird. Love always, ~Heather