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Friday, April 06, 2007

Trash Night

I sometimes wonder if I did something wrong. If that's why you think I'm disposable. If that's why you think you don't need to pay attention. To respond. To be the friend you promised to be.

I also wonder why I bother to care. Because you don't. That much is blatantly obvious.

I wonder if I ignore you the way you ignore me, if that would make you notice. If you might then realize exactly what you appear to be throwing away.

I'm okay with the situation. In fact, I'm thrilled to be saved the complications of it all. Especially since it has been a good long while since we came to that resolution. I haven't broken my end of the deal.

Why have you?

Did I do something specific to deserve this? Did I pain you in some way? Am I that horrendous a being? I don't think that I am.

I could make excuses. I could say to myself that you're busy. That you have alot on your plate. That there are circumstances out of your control that make you so distant. Would that be true?

I seem to be in a trend, a rut. I keep letting people dispose of me. In this rut, I'm okay with it being trash night, and I'm the trash.

But this cannot continue. I'm not trash. I am more than that. I am better than that. I deserve more and better than that.

So how do I get to be kept? I'm probably not going to change, so if it just me you don't like then I'll leave on my own. But there is something not being said. There is a secret lurking.

And this message into the oblivion isn't helping. You think I'm nuts. Stark, raving, stalking, crazy, mad. I'm just concerned. Because I don't understand. I'm confused, and I think you have the answer I'm looking for.

If you were my friend, I think you would just tell me. So, either it is a terrible secret, you don't trust me, or you aren't actually my friend. I'd like to think I can rule out the third one, but perhaps the other two are closer to the truth. But if it's the third one, if you aren't even my friend, then I need to have my judgement checked.

So, here I am, staying up late again when I should be sleeping or writing a speech or something because I'm trying to figure out how to handle this situation. I want you to care enough about me as a person and a friend to do something that would serve the purpose of maintaining our friendship. My artificial deadline for this act is when I finish summer school.

If by then there is no concerted effort, I am going to make myself give up. I'm not a quitter, but I swore to myself I'd stop being a masochist about maintaining friendships that don't stand a chance.

This is sort of like that scene in Erin Brokovich when the biker guy has that jewelry for her and says he was just waiting for the next time she was nice. I am nice. I presume you are nice. I'm waiting for you to prove that you are nice. Your gift is my friendship (which is one heck of a bargain, if I do say so myself!).

Otherwise, I'm taking out the trash. And this time, it won't be me getting sacked.

Love always, ~Heather



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